6 lessons I Learned About Boosting Confidence
These Will Help With Your Confidence (Pst, Number 6 Is My Favourite)
As human beings, we are genetically predisposed to focus on the negative. It’s just how our brains are wired — big sigh! We’re all built-in with these “negativity vibes” and what this does is encourage us to focus on the negative rather than the positive.
And that’s why it’s so much easier to say to ourselves “I’m not good enough to do or to be…” instead of saying, “Hey, I think I can do or try…” But if we change the way we think and then focus on our actions, slowly but surely we’ll be retraining those neural pathways and be taking our first steps into being much more confident.
Because confidence is within us in the first place! We just have to unearth it from all that negative mumbo jumbo we’ve gotten used to and remember it and with that in mind here are my tips to get started on that road:
- Positive affirmations, epic food for your subconscious.
I wasn’t always a firm believer in the whole new age thing when I first heard of it. But then as my journey into personal development progressed, I realised that whole new age thing was rooted in a widely accepted and well established psychological theory, which is basically a fancy way of saying how the brain really works. So there’s a science to them too and the scientist in me certainly appreciated that.
But you, me, and everyone’s uncle in the 21st century have heard of them. And maybe you haven’t tried them out yet, or the idea of it all just seems incredibly bizarre. Oh yes, I totally agree that when you’re first trying them out and telling yourself “I’m gifted with an amazing mind” you may not necessarily believe that at first. It may not even seem effective and the skeptic in you would just scoff at it all. But it doesn’t hurt to try and understand why or how positive affirmations became popular.
But if you stop and think about it, a lot of what we normally say or think is negative and can only bring about negative experiences. That in turn brings about negative words and thinking — Vicious cycle, I know. But if we want to change our life for the better, we have to retrain our thinking and change the way we speak to ourselves into positive patterns instead of the default negative. And that’s exactly where positive affirmations come in.
Once you do start to practice positive affirmations, you will need to practice them regularly. They’re not a one-off, heal-all remedy. Constant practice brings about long-term, lasting changes to the way you think and feel. That’s just how the brain is wired. Repetition helps things get rooted in the mind better.
And as Dr. Wayne Dyer adequately put it, “as you think, so shall you be.”
2. Leave the past in the past!
Budda says, “do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate your mind in the present moment.”
That quote pretty much encompasses Mindfulness as well. But we’re not talking about that right now. However, if you’re curious still though, Mindfulness is the ability to be fully focused on and aware of the current moment, what you’re feeling, sensing, and thinking, without any judgment or distraction. Mindfulness also helps with confidence too btw. But okay, back to confidence.
Here’s the thing though, if you keep the issues of that happened to your past self which shattered your past self’s confidence at the top of your mind, it will be a helluva lot more difficult for you to get over them. That’s why what Budda said right there, do not dwell in the past, is pretty relevant.
Your past does not have to define your future. And it’s by focusing on the day to day, those good moments that things actually worked out well and recognizing them right then and there, that makes you appreciate them better. Which again makes what Budda said, concentrate on the present moment, totally valid.
Make it a point to think pleasant thoughts instead. Remember previous wins (okay, I know what I said about not dwelling in the past but this one is helpful), wins that helped you feel good about yourself. Wins where your confidence shined the most. And it’s then that you can shift your focus from the negative to the positive and even imagine everything going to turn out well.
3. Be realistic about your expectations.
The French philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre said,
It’s important to aim high in life. We all want to strive to be the best at whatever it is we’re doing at that moment. However, if your expectations are utterly unrealistic, then it will be perfectly difficult for you to focus on achieving those goals you’ve set out for yourself. Since self-doubt and fear will effortlessly set in and maybe even make themselves comfortable — if you let them.
So Jean-Paul Sartre believed that we had the choice of being engulfed by our mental states or emotions. This may be true sometimes, but not always. He thought that our character traits were choices that we made in every moment of our lives — I am not angry, I choose to be angry. I choose to think that I won’t get that job. This may be true partly but we know enough now about our biological disposition to know that it’s not the whole truth.
Regardless, we still have control over our thoughts and our expectations and that’s why it’s important to modify them until they are just right — this is the place where you’re still pushing yourself, but you’re also able to achieve amazing things if you let yourself be a wee bit more kind to yourself. And once you get to accomplish those (sometimes pesky!) goals that you’ve been striving towards, you’ll most definitely feel more confident about what you were doing and then take that confidence with you into whatever you set out to do next!
4. Surround yourself with the right people.
Research shows that those who negatively compare themselves to others perform worse on performance-based tests — especially with those jock types of the offices that tend to say mean things to our faces, then those people who keep to themselves. Or aka loners or the kinder version, introverts. Nothing wrong with introverts, they’re awesome and I’m one myself!
As we’ve already established though, we’re born much more likely to focus on the negative than the positive. We’re also born being afraid of stepping outside the group. And that’s why it’s pivotal that we find the right group of people to surround ourselves with.
Positive people are contagious, and that positive energy just helps to lift you up and encourage you when you most need it — even when you think you don’t! Negative people tend to bring you down and destroy your confidence and that’s why staying clear of negative people is what is sure to keep that confidence soaring.
By immersing yourself around positive people, you’re in the company of people who will make you feel awesome about yourself and build up those feel-good emotions. They are positive and they have that lovely and fragrantly contagious, positive energy about them that lifts you and encourages you. Steer clear of negative people as they tend to bring you down and destroy your confidence. By hanging around with positive people, you’re in contact with people who make you feel good and you build up your confidence at the same time!
5. Don’t be afraid to stick up for yourself.
Research has shown that us as humans have two fears: Pain and Ridicule.
When people speak out against you, it’s always good to keep in mind that those words are just their opinion, nothing more.
Your opinion of who you are is much more important anyway. And when you do what you is right for you, you end up allowing yourself to feel confident in your own skin. And as time goes on and the more you continue being comfortable with who you are, you end up not giving a sh*t what other people say and that proverb, well. It actually becomes so true then.
Letting people walk all over you can increase your feelings of stress and anxiety — that awful cortisol, ew! And it might eventually lessen your feelings of self-worth and allow you to fall prey to your insecurities. But on the flip side, learning to actually stand up for yourself helps you take charge of your life. It helps you believe in your own power. It heartens you to reach for your dreams. The stronger you feel about you, the stronger you will become.
6. Reward yourself when you achieve.
Whenever you’re trying to make a lifestyle change, it’s almost always difficult to keep going even when you have that super-powerful why. But on a day to day basis and when right in the thick of it all, rewarding yourself in simple little ways for those little accomplishments can go a very long way.
Why do you ask? Well, it’s all about dopamine — which is the good cop to cortisol’s bad cop. Dopamine lights up in your brain when something important happens and gives you that awesome charge of pleasure when you accomplish the task. This in turn increases your motivation and productivity a heck of lot more than usual.
Use this piece of science to your advantage and start giving yourself small rewards along the path towards that big goal finish line. Your brain will latch on to that new habit being worth it which in turn will increase your chances of making it a routine or habit.
Also, when you’ve achieved something in your life, whether big or small, it’s always good to remember to pause, savour, and reward yourself. You did well there. You deserve it. So go out of your way to make yourself happy and that in turn will feed your drive to persist and succeed.
Confidence isn’t something we learn, it’s something we remember. We were all born confident little beings who loved who we were and it’s still in there somewhere, you just have to go deep and start looking.
It takes time, it takes consistency, and it takes lots and lots of compassion for ourselves. I know you can do it, if you put your mind to it. ;)
